Part 1 -------------------------------------It was on
9th October, only 2 days after Jayden’s ‘full month’ ( better known as ‘mua guek’ in Hokkien). On the 7th, we had hold a small party at home, invited relatives and close friends, celebrating bb’s full month. At tat time, I didn’t bring Jayden downstairs to meet all the ppl, though a lot of ppl would like to see him. It was because he keeps on crying and making big fuss every nite. According to old ppl, he’s scared and shudn’t be seeing tat much ppl cox it’ll make him worse. But I know tat my bb was just having colic.
All thru my confinement, I hadn’t really rest well. I couldn’t sleep almost every nite. I would awaken at the slightest sound I heard, assuming it’s my bb crying. Though I feel exhausted, after all tat I’ve been thru, I juz feel tat my responsibilities had increased wid the birth of my bb, and I simply couldn’t allow myself to rest.
I had bad mood swings, sometimes I feel perfectly fine, and sometimes I feel very scared and sad. I cried most of the times; though secretly. I really couldn’t control myself. I’d been over sensitive, and I feared tat no one will attend to the bb when he cries at nite. At the start of my confinement, I was still on medication. (Prednisolone for my rashes; Labetalol for my hypertension; Paracetamol for pain/mild fever) My need to take all tis medicine everyday make me feel even worse. I was afraid to breastfeed, assuming all tis drug wil affect my bb especially the medication for my allergy.
Why I couldn’t sleep at nite, fearing tat no one will attend to my bb when he cries at nite, and why I would wake even at the slightest sound I heard, was all because I did not trust my confinement lady. On the 1st nite she arrived, I’d saw her fallen asleep while feeding Jayden. She was lying down on the mattress and placed bb in her arms, and sticking the feeding bottle rite into his mouth and Jayden was half asleep and half sucking the milk from the bottle. I fear so much tat my bb will choke as he was only 3days old then. I woke her up, telling her not to feed my bb tat way but at tat very moment I know although I placed the care of my bb in the hands of another person, I must be alert enuf to monitor if tat person is doing it the rite way.
I was exhausted bcos of all my deprived sleep. I should be resting but instead I couldn’t. So I tend to sleep more daytime as I’m sure wid my family members around, my confinement lady wil be more hardworking. It is Foochow customs to take 7meals per day during the confinement period. Whenever my food was served to me, I couldn’t eat much bcos I was too tired. My lack of rest and oso lack of appetite made my mum-in-law complained about me. She told my hubby tat I wasn’t eating enuf and I shud be eating more. But most of the time I’d rather sleep, for I know once again when night time falls, I’d had to be my bb’s guardian angel again and to look over him.
I told my mum about my sleep problem and tat I couldn’t rest at nite as I worry too much. I got scolded by her cox she was worry about my health (hypertension) and oso the fear tat I’ll get depression. I know everyone around me was very worried about me. My sis tried to make me understand tat even at times the confinement lady wil be too tired bcox of all the works she’d had to do daytime, and yet look after the bb at nite. Sincerely I didn’t blame her at all for her negligence then, bcox I understand wat my sis told me was true. I told her tat she can cook very simple dishes for me during daytime, and my priority would be to take good care of Jayden. Honestly, I’d rather starve than to have Jayden’s safety harmed. It was then tat they made me to sleep in the next room at nite, so I could be well-rested.
It was useless. Even in the next room, I’d pay even more attention to any noise tat’d sound like my bb crying. Sometimes Jayden would be crying for quite sometime before the confinement lady would attend to him. I told SH about my fears, and I really do not trust the confinement lady to take k of Jayden. During the 1st week, since I couldn’t do much, she seems to be a hardworking lady. Everyone was satisfied. When I started to heal slowly and had learnt how to feed Jayden n change his dirty diapers, the confinement lady starts to be lazier. At times when we are alone, she’d purposely not attend to bb until I do. Since I’m bb’s mother, of cuz I couldn’t bear to not attend to his needs when he started crying. This is my weakness, and the smart lady had learnt how to manipulate me.
Part 2 -------------------------------------My confinement period was like hell. I started being depressed and cry most of the time and owest complaining to SH. Since I was still in my confinement period, I really couldn’t bend over too much while changing bb’s dirty diapers. It made my backbone ache, and though they told me to rest, they do not understand my difficulties. At times I felt tat my confinement lady just purposely neglect changing bb’s dirty diapers
(bb does ‘poo-poo’ n ‘she-she’ a lot during the 1st month), and Jayden owest cry like hell whenever he’s wet n dirty, so I must do it myself. In tat way, how am I suppose to get enuf rest?
It was a relief when the 1month period is almost over. However, I started to worry if I’ll be able to take care of Jayden by myself. I know tat SH wil need to go back to work in KK as he had accompanied me for quite a long time oledi during bb’s 1st month. My hardest task was to bathe Jayden. I’d never bathe such a small bb before, and to me, he seems to be so fragile. No matter what, I told myself tat I must learn.
Everyone said tat after bb’s 1st month, it’ll be easier to manage him. As I think Jayden must be having colic then, he owest cry whenever evening falls. Sometimes he’ll cry for such a long time for no reason at all. It must be there’s ‘wind’ in his tummy. We tried all the methods we heard of, even traditional method.
On the 2nd day after Jayden’s ‘full month’, as usual he was making a lot of fuss again. SH was supposed to go bek to KK tat day, and before he left, he decided to bring Jayden to see chinese physician, to prescribe some medicine for him. We brought him out around 2pm. When we brought him back home, he seems to be uncomfortable again. So hubby told the confinement lady (who’ll be leaving the very next day) to boil an egg and use it to rub from bb’s head to toe. It’s a traditional method which will reduce the ‘wind’ and miraculously, it owest does help to soothe Jayden.
After everything was done, I went downstairs to have my tea. Like I say, I was supposed to have 7meals per day. Since I didn’t want to trouble the confinement lady to cook anything for me, I juz ate some toasts. While I was eating, I heard the confinement lady cooking sth in the kitchen. I tot tat she was preparing dinner for me, but turned out tat she was frying some onions n ginger. Then she rushed upstairs again with the stuff she cooked b4 I had time to ask her wat’s she doing. She was rubbing those stuff all over Jayden, and when she brought Jayden downstairs, he was all oily and smells like he had been covered with ginger and onions. I questioned hubby wat happened, and he said the ‘smart’ lady had once again used her own traditional method to ‘cure’ Jayden without discussing it wid us beforehand. Sigh… well, in my mind, if it’s sth tat’ll help to soothe Jayden, then she’s oso doing it for the sake of bb. Jayden seems to be sleeping soundly then, so she placed him in the baby cot in the living room.
When I saw tat he was sleeping soundly in the cot, I went back into the dining room to clean up. As I was putting away the toaster, I heard a loud thud, and then Jayden started wailing. I rushed out of the dining room into the living room and saw my bb on the floor, beneath the cradle. My heart dropped, and I stood there frozen. For a while, my mind was blank. Wat had happened? I started screaming and crying and asked who put him in the cradle. Wasn’t he asleep soundly in his baby cot when I left him? I rushed over and snatched him away from the confinement lady.
As I looked down at Jayden, he really terrified me. He had stopped crying. His eyes were wide opened, staring ahead blankly. He was looking so pale and white. (Jayden had owest been reddish and a bit dark since he was born) I just held on to him, not knowing wat to do. I was calling out to him hoping tat he’ll start to cry again but he remained silent. My confinement lady then took Jayden away from me and starting calling his name and hitting on the floor where he fell. I was too stunned, I just stood affix there. SH rushed over to his sister’s house and soon my sis-in-law was there. She asked wat happened, and with her sound mind, she insisted to bring bb to hospital immediately.
I carried my bb and rushed into the car. It was 5pm then, and traffic jam had started. SH drove wid the double signal light on and I just hope we get to Kuching Specialist fast. Jayden was then sleeping in my arms. There was a big swelling bump now on his left head. As I looked down on him, I started to weep again in the car. “Oh God! Why had this happened? Why my baby?” He was as white as sheet, and I feared tat he’ll leave me just like tat.
Part 3 -------------------------------------The cradle!
Why had she placed bb in the cradle when it wasn’t ready yet. The day before SH had assembled the cradle. However, we hadn’t bought a suitable cradle net yet, and my in-law had suggested us to use a ‘kain sarong’ instead. I remembered when we were kids, and there wasn’t anything such as a cradle net yet then, my mum had owest used a ‘kain sarong’ too. So, I hung a piece of my own sarong on the cradle hook, but the sarong wasn’t suitable. It was way too short so the cradle was very high. Even the thought of it worries me now. So SH and I decided to buy a cradle net later tat evening, maybe when he’s on the way to the airport.
In the next living room, there was a piece of new mattress there. SH had brought it down a few days ago, and we had placed bb on the mattress there when we were playing wid him in tat living room. Tat piece of mattress was supposed to be placed under bb’s cradle when we rock him in there. It was a thought I had in mind, and reminded myself to remember to place the mattress beneath the cradle when we had bought the cradle net. But all this were too late…. no one had expected the confinement lady would had placed him in there without checking out on the cradle beforehand, and without any safety measure such as placing the mattress beneath the cradle. All these are regrets……..
My thoughts went back to the moment when I just conceived. I wasn’t prepared then, and the thoughts of me having a bb and all the pain I’ll haf to go through during pregnancy & childbirth, had made me doubted the decision to be a mother. I still went for my modern class back then, and had even practiced hard for an upcoming dance performance. I was prancing and jumping around then, since I hadn’t known tat I was pregnant then, and besides for being nauseatic when I was really tired, I was fine. If he had survived back then, please dear Father in Heaven, please do not take him away from me now, after all that I’d been thru… Is this my punishment? If it is, it shud be taken out on me, not my baby. If anything happen to him, I’ll feel myself snap.
Part 4 -------------------------------------Finally we reached A&E Unit of Kuching Specialist Hospital. The pediatrician was in the operation theatre at tat time for another caesarian birth. However, the doc n nurses on duty tat time were fast n efficient. They monitored Jayden’s blood pressure n oso his breathing, then checked his body for other bruises and bumps. Then they asked me to carry him while waiting for the doc to arrive. When Dr.Lim K.T (KPJ Pediatrician) arrived, he still remembered me. He asked me wat happened, and inspecting the big swell on Jayden’s head, he said they’ll need to do an x-ray on his head to confirm if there’s any fracture. He mentioned tat it was a very high fall for such a small baby, n they just hope there won’t be any skull fracture.
I carried Jayden in my arms and went into the X-Ray Room. SH and the rest of our relatives had to wait outside. The lady in charged asked me to put on a very heavy robe (looks like the type of bulletproof jacket we see on tv, except tat it’s longer) and to hold Jayden’s head firmly while she took his x-ray. After tat, I was asked to wait as the lady needs to check if the x-ray taken was clear enough. At tat time, I was shivering… not sure if it was because I was feeling cold or too nervous. Jayden starts to wail again. He must be hungry then. SH came into the X-Ray when he heard Jayden wailing. The lady came in again to tell us tat she need to take another x-ray shot as the first ones aren’t clear enough. Jayden must had been moving his head around when the films were taken. This time it was SH’s turn to hold bb’s head. I guess he was worried about my health too.
This time the x-ray films turned out to be okie. Doc forbids us to feed Jayden because they r afraid tat it might make him throw up. They were supposed to monitor if he had any fittings or if he vomits, because these are serious signs to show tat his brain is injured.
Part 5 -------------------------------------This statement made me think back of the days when I was 9yrs old. Tat time dad had brought my eldest sis and me to a Shell-organized Telematch. Dad wasn’t supposed to join in the race bcox he wasn’t feeling well, but when his name was announced over the speakers for him to be one of the participants, my outgoing dad had decided to participate. As mum had told him not to join in any sports when we went out tat day, I tugged on daddy’s hand and told him about wat mum had said earlier on. Dad turned around and told me tat it was alrite, assuring me tat he’ll be back soon. He gave me his car keys and ran out towards the race tracks. In tat game, they were all running backwards.
When the piston was fired, everyone ran real fast. Daddy was ahead of others, and suddenly when he almost reached the finishing line, he fell down. I thought it wasn’t serious at all, and soon he’ll get up again to continue running. But everyone started to gather around daddy. More and more ppl started to come. Sis and I ran towards daddy to see wat all the great big fuss was about. When I saw my dad lying on the ground, I still remember seeing all the foams coming out from his mouth n nose. Back then I really do not know wat was happening.
Only today did I realized tat dad was having a fit back then. On tat very day, tat very incident changed my whole life. Daddy had injured his brain badly from the fall. He was in a coma for more than a month, and everyone tot he would not have survived. When he finally woke up one day after lying on the bed in the hospital for weeks, he never recovered completely again. He didn’t recognize us anymore; not his wife nor his children, and he was bedridden for the rest of his life. 13yrs… tat was how long daddy had been bedridden. Everything tat a 3year old could do, dad couldn’t. Why hadn’t I held on to daddy’s hand and not let him join in the race back then?
Part 6 -------------------------------------From that day onwards, I realized how serious brain injury can be. Now this had happened to my bb, I really don’t know wat to expect. I sat down on the nearby bench as the doctors were inspecting Jayden’s x-ray film. Please Lord, I prayed… please let all this be over soon, and we could all go home. By the look on their faces (the doctors, hubby and sis-in-laws), I knew things wasn’t going on fine. I braced myself and went over to listen to wat the doctors were saying. When I saw the x-ray film placed on the lighted panel, I saw an opening on Jayden’s skull. His skull had cracked from the fall, and the opening was quite big for a little bb. The next step was to do a CT scan, to see if his brain is injured. If his brain isn’t injured, then doc say we need not worry but juz to let the fractured skull heal by itself thru time. I was blank and I didn’t know wat to think. I held on to bb, and still he was looking so pale. Many thoughts ran thru my head, I juz gazed down at bb blankly.
This time SH said he’ll bring bb in for the CT scan. All this radioactive rays on a 32day-old bb – I was really reluctant. But all I could think of was to follow doc’s advice. Everyone was worried tat I’ll collapse. Since I shud still be in my confinement period (44 days to be exact), I still wasn’t strong enuf physically. Doc said Jayden was being a good boy when the CT scan was performed. He didn’t cry but instead had fallen into slumber. He must have been too tired from all his crying. Moreover, he must be starving. When the films from the scan were inspected, doc confirmed tat there was blood clot in Jayden’s brain. He needs to be hospitalized, and his condition monitored for 24hrs.If he doesn’t show any symptoms such as vomiting, fever, or fitting; then they can presume tat he’ll be fine.
Tat nite, SH and I accompanied bb Jayden in the hospital. I daren’t call to tell my mum wat had happened. I know tis will terrify her. So I called sis, told her wat had happened; and asked her to let mum know calmly. I was afraid I might burst into tears over the fon when talking to my mum, or I might sound too worried to let her think otherwise. All nite long, Jayden keeps on crying. His head must had hurt badly, and when he’s too tired after crying, he’ll fall asleep. His voice sounded sore from all his crying, and it really broke my heart. We cradled him in our arms when he was crying, soothed him and sang lullaby to him. We keep on singing the song ‘Jesus Loves Me’ to him and it seems to help to soothe him once in awhile.
Part 7 -------------------------------------In my heart, I greatly regretted all that had happened. I felt tat I owed so much to my little baby and had put his life in great danger. The loud thud I heard when he fell was still ringing in my ears. It had owest been a mother’s responsibility to protect their babies. I had failed to do so. Deep in my heart, I questioned my own negligence. Had I bothered to place the mattress, which lies just a few feet away from the place Jayden fell, he wouldn’t be lying there on the bed in the hospital with a big swell on his head. At tat moment, I truly feel tat it’s so hard to trust others with the safety of my own child.
Now Jayden is fine, growing bigger and stronger everyday. After his fall, we’d consulted all the best neurosurgeons we could find in Kuching. Their concern were the same, tat was to let him heal by himself. The blood clot will disappear thru time and the fracture will heal too. All tat we hope is tat he’ll grow up fine like every other babies. Too much x-rays and CT scans will not be good for his health as well, cox it will destroy his growing brain cells. No one can ever predict wat will happen tomorrow. Through God’s grace, Jayden had survived tis mishap. For the days to come, may my bb grow up fine and healthy.
May God bless owest…….
Gifts from ah Den's pretty "da jie-jie"!
