from Pregnant to Un-pregnant

After moments of weeping n crying, i know i haf to stand up strong once again. I juz dunno why i felt so emotional tonite. Partly cox i felt terribly bored and a bit drunk. I pictured how my life had gone by these past 2years, how much i had missed and how much seem to slip away. A pang of hurt kept on thundering inside of me... tis time back to Kuching, my beloved hometown, so much had changed. Sigh... all the places i used to go to seemed so dead. Perhaps tis is a sign telling me i shud really, really juz buried away my pains and sorrows.

Before this a perfect family plan was in my mind, but now i can only say we'll let life goes on its natural course. So much tat happened, made me questioned about the true meaning of life. Tonite as i was typing tis post out, i juz couldn't stop crying. I know a lot of friends care deeply for me but yet, i felt so helpless. Maybe i shud juz blame it on my hormones... for causing me tis jumbled emotions.

Things to worry about, the blood clot in my uterus. After the D&C (dilation and curretage) surgery, i tot i'll be fine. But now, another worry continues. When i went for my followed-up checkup last Fri, the gynae told me there was still some blood clot in my uterus. Sigh.... i really dont want to undergo anymore surgery or be admitted to the ward again. The best thing to hope for now is for the blood clot to be extracted naturally wid my coming menses. And the thing the gynae told me to really watch out for is whether there will be any abnormal bleeding. If yes, i'll haf to be warded immediately. Sigh... i juz feel so tired...

The story of me from being pregnant to 'un-pregnant'...
8th March 2009 - Early morning around 0545am, i woke up and prepared myself. I need to be at Timberland Medical Center at 0630am and be warded for D&C. When i reached the hospital, i was put on the weighing scale. I felt like a hippo standing there and my weight was scary. All these while i tot i will haf a successful pregnancy, i didn't mind putting on extra weights. But when all this doesn't happened, it really dampened my spirit. So much more pounds for me to lose in the coming days!

They took my blood pressure reading and my pulse reading, and i was asked to changed into an akward blue robe with only two string attached at the back.... totally bare inside and only the robe covering me. I experienced this before when i gave birth to Jayden, but still i felt anxious. The only comfort tat i told myself over and over again was "mummy will be making me delicious 'kacang-ma' and when all this over, i can enjoy!" I don't mind if it was a lie i was repeating to myself but as long as it soothes my fear, i'll be chanting this over and over to myself!

As promised, at 0800am i was wheeled into the OT (operating theathre). I was really scared, but i know i'll be fine. At least no needles poking and drip yet. I had been fasting the whole nite before as i'll be put on general anesthesia, i wasn't allowed to eat or even drink after midnite. For the whole nite, i dreamt of me forgetting about my surgery appointment and went for a drink of water. I had this habit since i was a teenager to drink lots of water before sleep and even thru midnite. I juz haf this thinking tat i couldn't survive without water so can u imagined how suffering it was the whole nite thru!?!?!

When i was wheeled into the ward, i passed thru a lot of doors. At the first 2 doors, the nurses asked me the same question over and over again.
"Any dentures??" ---- No
"Ada(Got) contact lens???" ---- No
"Bila kali terakhir makan??" --- 10pm last nite
"Makan apa?? (Wat did u ate?)" ---- Noodles
"Kali terakhir minum? (Last time u drank?)" --- Before midnite

A nurse asked me finally, "are u scared??".... and i answered, "YES!" That was really the most comforting question to me. I knew all the questions before this was procedure, but all the while i was deeply terrified about wat was going to happen. Finally, the nurse asked me this caring question of whether i was afraid. She told me tat i don't haf to be scared as it will be a simple procedure. I felt so much comforted...

Before i was wheeled into the OT, i was placed outside it. Thank God i am short-sighted for everything seemed to be a big patch of blurry vision. I juz lied there thinking tat this will all be over very soon... the process of 'un-pregnant'ing me! After waiting for several minutes, i was wheeled inside the OT. I can sensed tat one of the nurses was a male... for he was covered with strong tobacco smell. I felt akward when he removed the top part of my robe for i was totally bare inside.

The first process was putting my right arm on a stand and a blood pressure measuring device was immediately wrapped around my right arm. Next, my left arm was extended the same way it was as my right arm, and i was wondering wat are they doing. Then i almost cursed "S**T! Drips... oh no... i hated those terribly!"

I tried my best to look away and not focused. The specialist in charge of the anesthesia was asking me which type of anesthesia i'd prefered, and i opted the masked one or the totally unconscious procedure. After tat, a small figure approached me and held my arms as she talked to me... then i finally realised it was Dr. Ng tat was talking to me and i felt deeply relaxed. She told me tat choosing the totally unconsious anesthetic i'll be awake faster and i juz need to relax. After tat, some tubes were inserted into my nostrils and i was told tat it was oxygen tubes. One of my fingers, i think it shud be one of my left fingers were clipped and a steady beep was immediately present. I was wondering if tat's my very own heartbeat for they seemed to be pretty stable and i was trying my very best to stay calm then.... after a few beep, not mistakenly tat must be my very own heartbeat!

Then i felt a cold shot of liquid flowing thru my left veins... i guessed the doc must haf injected sth into the drip. Arghh..... i juz hate tat feeling. It felt so terribly cold and the numbness made me unable to feel my arm. Seconds later, i was totally unaware.

Someone was calling me and i opened my eyes.... it was a nurse calling my surname "Tee... Tee...", she said sth like it's time to wake up now. I blinked my eyes a few times and wondered if it was all over. I was wheeled out of the operation theatre toward the ward and as i looked to my left, hubby was franctically catching up wid all the nurses. I told him, "How come so fast?? It's all done??" SiewHung looked at me puzzled.... then only i asked him wat time is it, and he said 9am. Ohh... so i had been in there for an hour??!??! I didn't felt like tat. I felt as if i had dozed off to sleep juz for a few minutes and waking up feeling so much refreshed!

As i was moved to my bed in the common ward, the only thing tat was troubling me was the bag of drip. How much i wanted to tell the nurses to remove it for me for it was again causing my left arm and hand starting to swell. Siewhung said he had to leave then since i was awake, to go home to take a look at Jayden and gif him his bath. Okie.... i was deeply worried about Jayden as well. I felt really fine and i told him i'll take a nap there.

When he left, i picked up my handphone and saw Mek's sms. I wanted to called nb to tell him tat all this was over. I called him, half blurry and told him tat i had such a good rest and when i woke up, i felt amazingly fine without any pain at all. The only difference was tat i wasn't pregnant anymore then. Then i sent an sms to Piang & Mek telling them both i was fine. Nb sent me an sms telling me tat i'd been a really brave gal.... before tis, i was whining to him telling him tat the thing i feared most is PAIN. When all tis was over, he was the first person i wanted to tell tat it didn't hurt like i imagined! He said tat i'd been a brave gal n really growned up now for my bravery.

I dozed off to sleep for awhile after tat and when i woke up, i was still all alone. Siewhung hadn't arrived yet, and i was starting to feel hungry. As i lay there on the bed with the curtains around me drawn, i heard a lot of other things going on in the ward. Someone in the ward had juz passed away... i heard the nursed talking about it, and the lady on the bed next to me had fever after her surgery. I knew i had lost a baby, although not a fully-grown one yet but the surgery i had been thru was really minor. I wasn't grieving, for i know tat there are more unfortunate ppl than me in this world.

Some ppl live their whole life blaming others for not being able to do more for them. At times, i am like tat too but at tat very moment, i knew wat i had been thru juz made me more matured and added another entry to my book of life experience. Still i was lying there telling myself tat my mum will be cooking delicious 'kacang-ma' for me and for the few days to come i'll haf confinement food to eat like chicken soup, pork belly soup, chicken or pork slices wid ginger & wine, pork leg with ginger & black vinegar, & etc... and tat was the only comfort i could give myself then. Of cuz i felt sad about the loss and i had never imagined tat i'll be 'un-pregnant' this way. But wat can I do? This is not my own will and not sth tat i can control. The only thing i can do is to face it and to move on.

The medical bill costed RM1k+... and i kept on telling mum tat wid juz an additional few hundreds ringgit, i might as well go thru natural birth at the private hospital and bring back a baby. A lot of things tat happened in life are beyond our control. I am definately not the type of person tat will opt for an abortion, not at all course. In this case, it juz really wasn't meant to be and not meant to be kept... so wat can i do otherwise? This is fate, and as i assumed it must be tat i do not haf any fate wid this child then. If i must let go, wat more can i do to hold on to it??? It isn't going to happen anyway, i might as well juz give in earlier. As I say, life goes on anyway.... so let's juz make the best out of it!