early pregnancy failure

27th April 2009 - The long awaited Monday had finally came. I should be into my 8weeks of 2nd pregnancy by now. Two weeks ago while i was in Kuching, i went to Dr. Ng's clinic for a checkup. Tat time, i was 6weeks pregnant and a sac was visibly seen during the ultrasound. However, there wasn't any heartbeat from the embryo. So, the gynae said to go for another checkup 2weeks later and only if there's heartbeat can it be considered as a successful pregnancy.

I started to worry since then. No heartbeat... if i wasn't mistaken, it was not like tat in my first pregnancy. So finally Monday 27th came. I made an appointment wid Dr. Sarva here in KK for a checkup. The ultrasound showed nothing, so an internal scan was required. Again, a gestational sac was very visible, but it was empty! I was praying and hoping so hard tis time for the bb's heartbeat to be heard but there was only silence. The doc started telling me tat it wasn't a good sign.

8weeks into pregnancy, and a normal embryo will start to develop by now. I was dazzled and only part of wat the doc told me got inside my head. He started saying sth about miscarriage and how common tis problem is nowadays. I looked at him dumbfounded, not knowing wat to say. He said if it's really not successful, then the sac will need to be removed.

So, no baby?!?!... but all the pregnancy symptoms were so visible, and the urine test as well! They are real! There was sickness and fatigue; and me always feeling nauseous whenever i'm hungry. It felt like a cruel joke, and i started to cry in front of the doc. I hadn't realised how much i wanted tis pregnancy to happen, but i did! I had started informing family members and close frens, and i even put on weight. But no, i juz don't understand why a healthy me will haf a miscarriage.

Then the doctor started telling me tat i'm still young, and still haf lots of chance. I am perfectly clear of all tis logic and worst come to worst, i still haf Jayden. It's juz tat i was awfully disappointed and i didn't expect a miscarriage to happen. All i can do now is to wait for another 2weeks, and by tat time still totally nothing, the tissue will haf to be removed.

Yes, i'm scare but i know i will be alright. I had all this rational reasons keep on playing in my head, it's juz the emotional part of me starting to crumble down. How much we hope for it to happen; it seems so real and close but yet so far!
This is a link sis gave me. Thanks for giving me tis info, to help me understand more about wat happened. Whole day the question "Why? Why? Why?" kept on playing on my mind. The article is about :- Blighted Ovum

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Perhaps tis is God's way of telling me tat we all weren't ready for another new member yet. I'm grateful tat i still haf Jayden around me, and today (Tues, 28th) he started kissing me alot. He learned how to kiss wid the "muakkkk" sound lately, and he's putting it into practice very often now. He'll pout his lips and lean closely over, (whether my cheeks, lips or even my arms) and plant his wet kiss on me! Although his saliva wil be all over me, but i'm deeply touched at how much i'm loved by him! :')
I'll be okay! I'll be fine!

tantrums update!

Lately Jayden had been practicing some new tantrums, and it changes from day to day. Besides from being super-clingy to mummy, his taste in tv shows started to change as well. Before this it was the nursery rhymes wid colourful cartoons tat owest does the trick, but now it's Madagascar2. Two weeks ago when hubby had to go back to Sibu, leaving only me & Jayden here in Casuarina, i was so grateful i finally found a DVD tat he wanted to watch. He was sick tat time, and being super-fussy, super-clingy, asking for the impossibles to be done..... sigh! without tis solution, i'd had gone mad a long time ago.

Starting from Thursday, we watched Madagascar2 for SIX times! For the following days, still Madagascar2 playing on the tv and my little boy juz sat there, staring afix at the tv. Talk about attention span in toddlers.... they can watch the same thing over & over again, as long as they like it. This remind me about the goldfish theory, who mentioned tis b4... Piang, KC or Aiwei???.... couldn't remember. It is about goldfish wid really short attention span, 8seconds maybe, and tat is why they can swim around in their aquarium for the whole day, never getting bored! Poor thing! How about toddlers then??? I swear i could write the best subtitles for Madagascar2 now....

Even til today, Jayden still loves Madagascar2, escpecially the part where the "Move It Move It" song came, he'll be tapping his little foot and swaying his body immitating the characters in there!

Oh.... the temper tantrums. Okie a few weeks ago, it was the habit of not wanting to put on shirt & pants & even diapers! Whenever it was time to put on his clothings after his bath, Jayden will start to run away and hide at the corner of the bed, not wanting to put on his clothes! He'll even run to the big glass window and stood there looking outside at the passing cars or aeroplanes! Wat a big "show"! Tat lasted for about a week i think, and now this habit finally passed.

Thank God.... but then here comes the habit of "not wanting to bath"! Everyday when it's bath time, i'll be like a broken record playing "Jayden, it's bathtime. Let's go to the bathroom!" ... over & over again. He'll then start to ignore me, still playing wid his toys and finally when i really, really had to bath him, i'll be dragging him to the bathroom wid him wailing like crazy. Sigh!

Really tiring! He wasn't like tis previously, bathtime was one of his favourites. Suddenly all these new changes makes me ponder. I read tis article before saying tat alot of time toddler tend to be rebellious. Imagine you have to live your life having someone else telling you when to eat ur meals, when to take ur bath, when to go to bed.... perhaps you would be as rebellious (or maybe even more) as well. It makes alot of sense and thinking from this point of view, at least it helps me to control my temper and anger whenever Jayden starts to rebel. I juz have to come up wid more new tricks everyday of tricking him into doing wat i wanted. Sometimes i'm pretty amuse at myself being able to come up wid so many silly tricks.... but wat to do, u definately haf to think the way ur toddler is thinking, 10times faster and quicker so tat u can steer them into the correct-mummy way!

I must pack myself wid a lot more of patience and hopefully Jayden too wil be more cooperative. I guess these are the challenges for every mum.